1. "You're Not Desperate Enough!"

 Ever since I've read something, as a child, a weird thought keeps popping up in my head. And it's unsettling. 

"You're not desperate enough!"

It keeps reminding me that the me right now, has everything a human could crave for. I do not have the passion to go after something. Nor do I possess the wisdom to build something. I do not have the desire to struggle for something. Neither do I possess the knowledge to even understand my own situation.

 And, this is what makes me one of the masses. This is what's keeping me as ordinary. This is what needs to be removed from my dictionary. I need to be desperate. I need to have the will power to desire something on the expense of sacrificing anything possible.

I, am a coward. A good-enough coward, who has it all. I'm rich enough to not fear hunger, and I'm poor enough to have a close relationship with my family. I'm smart enough to read between the lines, and I'm innocent enough to ignore something that's not meant to be understood yet.

And I hate this. I do not like what I am. I do not like that I spent more than half of my day consuming things without providing any sort of value. I hate that I'm still living off my family, even though I'm already on my early twenties. I hate that my sole excuse is 'I started understanding things late.' I hate that I know it's an excuse. And, the thing I hate the most is.. I'm not doing anything to remove this curse.

I wish to be desperate. I wish to desire something, so much that I could burn my whole world just for that. I wish that I come out of my conservative shell and just let the whole world burn, figuratively.

I'm a good person. But, I too have weird thoughts. And those thought sometimes goes out of hand. My duty is to not let those thoughts effect my nature as a human I'm proud of. But, I let those thoughts run wild, instead of suppressing them. This way, even if I feel guilty inwards, I would be in peace with my actions, without fearing any impulses.

I've started this weird journey to become my ideal self, since I was around fifteen. I'm around twenty-two now. I'm writing this book, to let my future self, who's prone to forgetting his past - remember that, "I am struggling, because I'm not desperate enough!"

I do not know what is it that, I need to desire. But, I envy those eyes filled with passion. I look at people whom I consider my idol, and all of them had this passion in their eyes. They were burning. I envy that. I desire to have those eyes. I desire to be able to desperately desire something. I wish to let it all out, but my conservative self doesn't wish to hurt others. I hate that I want it too.

My sole friend, My sole enemy, My sole teacher, My sole rival.. is this shadow side of mine. I wish to know myself better. This inner-war has been going for too long now. So long that, I've forgotten that I need to learn skills in order to make a living. I'm not rich enough to live of my poor parents. 

I need to become desperate enough for something! I need to find my own something!

That is the only way, I can be at peace. That is the only way, I can get out of this normal life cycle.

 

Sometimes, I think. That I must have done something very legendary in my past life. Something so heroic that the gods above decided to give me normal life. Or, I must have gone through something so traumatic like the end of the my world or something, that I must have wished for a normal lifestyle, without any memories of my past.

I know too well that this could be my delusion speaking. I know too well that I must stop my day-dreaming. I know too well, too well that this is weird.

Like, who doesn't wish for a normal lifestyle? Every protagonist, or villain, or anyone I've read in the novels, watched in movies, or even heard in the podcasts...Everyone desire to have a normal lifestyle, with an exception of the few.

I am not among them. I am not comfortable with being comfortable. I wish to struggle. I wish to sweat with pain. I wish to regret ever making this decision. I wish to feel alive. I wish to grow. I wish to rest assure. I wish to lead others. I wish to gain something by going through hell.

However, my environment, my situations doesn't allow that. I hate that. I hate that I'm incompetent here. I have no desire as of now. What I have is this abstract concept of weirdness. And I'm not smart enough to even understand it properly. I have this weird thought process. Ah! I'm still just a kid.